Riding the campaign roller coaster

This year’s race to be the Grand Old Tea Party’s presidential nominee could be compared to a roller coaster ride at King’s Island, not unlike the Twin Racers. There are even some remarkable similarities to the original ride: The right side train once ran backwards, just like the Gingrich campaign is doing after the candidate unexpectedly won in South Carolina.

Since then, Newt has been hit with a Romney money bomb in Florida, and not only is he losing traction; he actually appears to be, well, running backwards. So Newt’s train would be on the right, to match his march to the rear, and also because Newt has been claiming that he is the true conservative in the race who’s running against an (ugh) moderate.

But you’d have to concede that not everything in the real-life political twists and turns matches the realities of the Red and Blue Racers. The Twin Racers are called that because each track is identical. With the Romney Racer vs. the Newt Racer, one track is the exact opposite of the other.

When the Newt Racer begins to climb a hill, the Romney Racer starts down an incline and vice versa. That way, one campaign’s riders can enjoy the elation of seeing their namesakes numbers go up while the opposing train’s riders would be suffering through its namesake’s free-fall.

If you remember, in those hectic days before the Iowa caucuses, practically every candidate had the lead at one time or another, with the exception of Mitt. It’s the curse of the (ugh) moderate. That’s what comes of being a Northeast Republican. After all, if it hadn’t been for Romney and his days as the Governor of a blue state, Obama wouldn’t have had a pattern for his health care, would he?

But in the end, after seeing a newly-declared candidate, Rick Perry-think Bush without the brains-take an overwhelming lead, until he tripped over his own tongue several times, then seeing the once despised Newt get the lead, until he, too, had the effrontery to open his mouth, and finally seeing the former Pennsylvania Senator, Rick Santorum (aka Saint Orum, or Rick Sanctimonious) surge in the polls, voila, Mitt seemingly emerged triumphant over Sanctimonious by eight whole votes.

So Mitt moved on to New Hampshire, where he rode the momentum of that landslide from Iowa to a predictable victory in the Granite state. Yes! He was moving uphill, until the race moved into the Palmetto State.

And that’s when his train started downhill. Newt suddenly decides to become a talented debater. In a couple of good performances, he picks up momentum. At the same time, it’s revealed that Romney didn’t win Iowa, he lost by 12 to Saint Orum. After South Carolina, Mitt’s record, once a possible 3-0, is now 1-2 and Florida is in play.

Lucky for Mitt, he has more of one thing than Newt: No, not brains; money. That put him in front after carpet bombing Newt with some really negative ads.

Oh, don’t worry, Newt Racers. There are some more southern states coming up where Newt will have the edge. Your train will be on the rise soon enough.

But remember, these trains ain’t gonna pull into the station for some time. Only then the winning riders will have to hang on for a run against the Obama Express.