Caylor's misery

There is a saying among politicians that goes “Please let me keep my words soft and sweet as I may have to eat them one day.” This can be appropriate for people other than politicians, and is good for more than mere words, as witnessed by a story in Saturday’s Lexington Herald-Leader, all about the events at a protest against mountain- top removal, and the just deserts prepared for the general edification of one coal industry spokesman.

This whole scenario comes right out of an episode of “The Simpsons” which features everyone’s favorite nuclear power plant owner, Mr. C. Montgomery Burns and his desire to become Governor. The only problem was his power plant, the waste it produced, and the damage to the ecology it was said to be causing.

Mr. Burns strongly denied that his plant was causing any problems, despite the three-eyed fish that Bart caught down stream from where the plant dumped its waste. To Mr. Burns, this was proof that evolution was an on-going process; the extra eye was produced by nature, and had nothing to do with nuclear power.

In the story in the Lexington Herald-Leader, the part of Mr. Burns is played by the Kentucky Coal Association president, one Bill Caylor, and while he is not interested in becoming Governor, he has shown some interest in the less than stellar reputation of his industry due to a few little accidents, such as the coal slurry spill in Martin County, a minor incident where some insignificant amount of waste was released. (It was not much above 300,000,000 gallons, give or take an ounce or two.)

Like Mr. Burns, Caylor has insisted that the slurry thus released was not toxic waste, and that he’d prove it by eating some of it to show that it was no more than a bit of dirt.

In “The Simpsons” episode, Marge was concerned when Mr. Burns, through free use of his money, had closed the gap between himself and the incumbent Governor, and was beginning to look like a good bet to get elected.

To seal the deal, Mr. Burns set up a dinner at the home of his long-time employee, bumbling Homer Simpson, who, of course, had bought all that his boss was selling.

So, on the night of the dinner, with television cameras rolling, Mr. Burns, not aware of the menu, sat down and began to answer questions posed to him by various members of the Simpson family, questions written by his staff, and for which he had ready answers. And while he was thusly engaged, Marge came out with her ace-in-the-hole, the entrée. It was the same three-eyed fish that Bart had caught, and which Mr. Burns had declared to be harmless.

In the case of Mr. Caylor, three of those protesting mountaintop removal, Ali Meyer, Erik Tuttle and Nick Smith, knowing that there would be a group of coal industry supporters nearby their own protest, and aware of the remarks that Mr. Caylor had made earlier regarding the non-toxicity of coal slurry, and how he could show that it was harmless, had, through the goodness of their hearts, prepared for Mr. Caylor a sumptuous meal made entirely of the coal slurry for which he had earlier expressed a desire, and had the same meal served up in fancy goblets, knowing, as all good food preparers do, that if a meal is pleasantly presented, it helps work up the appetite.

Well, in the words of the poet Robert Burns “the best laid plans of mice and men gang aft aglay”, or more commonly “do sometimes go astray”. For when push came to shove, in the case of both Mr. Burns and Mr. Caylor, alas, neither of these gentlemen had the strength of their appetites, er, convictions.

Mr. Burns took a forkful of the fish into his mouth, but found that like a politician’s promise, it was just too much to swallow, and spit it out, on television, as the mythical voters of his fictional state presumably watched him.

Mr. Caylor was luckier in that he was not on television. When he was presented with his meal, he took a morsel, pressed it to his lips, but refused to eat, even after his benefactors encouraged him by promising to eat the what was left if he would only take one bite.
Later, when pressed, Mr. Caylor declared that the slurry was a bit bland for his taste, and this was why he’d left his meal uneaten.

But then again, he showed no appetite for his own words, either.