How to survive, and possibly even enjoy, Halloween

From ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord, deliver us! ~Scottish Saying

          There has always been a part of the human psyche that loves to be scared, hence our holiday we have dubbed Halloween.  Halloween has its origins in Ireland, where the Celtic people there celebrated a feast day on the first of November called Samhain (pronounced Sah-ween).  It was believed that at this time of the year, the veil between the spirit world and our world disappeared, and that the spirits of the dead would rise and try to return to the homes they occupied in life.  To appease these spirits, treats, such as bits of fruit, were left for them.  And, as every form of spirit came out, good and evil, to try to fool the evil spirits, so that they might not come to any harm, the Celts donned masks and went abroad disguised as evil spirits themselves, trying to blend in, as it were, hoping that they could go unnoticed by any ghosts who might harbor a grudge against them.

          When Christianity came to Ireland, a festival called All Saints Day, eventually to take place on November the first, came into being, and the preceding day became known as All Hallows Eve, or Halloween.  This was a day set aside to honor the Saints.  Still, customs, such as the aforementioned “trick-or-treating” and the wearing of masks have survived, and the result is a scary good time for all.  So, every Halloween, we have the good little ghosties and goblins and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night, who prow our neighborhoods looking for treats, which we gladly provide them to forestall any tricks these sly little devils might have up their sleeves.

But we must remember that this little festival is more for the kids than it is for adults, and let’s face it, that which scared us as children is nothing to that which scares us as adults.  Childhood terrors, such as werewolves, are rather easily disposed of.  A lycantrophically-challenged individual (lycantrophy describes anyone who can turn himself or herself into a wolf) can be quickly and efficiently destroyed with a silver bullet.  So, if it should happen that you are abroad on October 31^st, and are set upon by such a creature, you bring out your secret weapon, a Coors Light that you have, unbeknownst to the critter who is intent on eating you, poured into a Bud Light bottle.  Before the werewolf commences his meal, you ask him, in as neighborly a manner as possible, “Hey, wolfie, how about a pre-dinner drink, you know, to aid yer digestion?  Here, have a Bud Light!”  Well, werewolves are never ones to turn down a free brew, so they take it, and, as is the custom with such uncouth individuals, kill it in one swig, and it is then that you can spring your surprise on them.  “Ha ha” you say.  “Little did  you know that that wasn’t a Bud Light, it was a COOR’S Light, and now you are done!”  And sure enough, once the Silver Bullet hits his guts, the werewolf’s goose will be cooked.

Another creature of the night that has come to haunt our imaginations is the vampire.  Our idea of what a vampire is comes from Bram Stoker’s novel “Dracula”, and our image of a vampire comes from the movies that this novel spawned, most notably the 1931 classic starring Bela Lugosi.  Vampires are said to be the evil “undead” who must sustain what is a sort of immortality by drinking human blood.  Vampires arise from their graves each night, and can assume the form of a bat to aid them in their quest for sustenance.   Popularly, it is imagined that once someone becomes the victim of a vampire, that person, too, becomes a vampire.  This is a way for vampires to procreate, I suppose, as I have never heard of them getting married, and raising little vampires, TV’s “The Munsters” notwithstanding.  (Here is a conundrum; a Frankenstein monster marries the daughter of a vampire, and their son is a werewolf?  Was there a Wolfman in the woodpile?  Go figure!)

Vampires, if anything, have more going against them than even werewolves.  First of all, what kind of immortality is it when you have to live in a grave, or, barring that, sleep in a coffin?  And the meals!  I mean, human blood?  C’mon!  And you have to turn into a bat to get them?  And what about different blood types?  Can a vampire who is, say, type O positive, drink type O negative blood with no ill effects?  It looks to me like that would set off chain reaction that would upset his tummy, to say the least. 

And what about the restrictions on the movement of vampires?  Vampires cannot go abroad during daylight hours.  Sunlight, it turns out, will destroy them, in a cool, special effects kind of way.  This would, it seems to me, leave plenty of time to take care of a vampire once his grave or the location of his coffin has been discovered.  And while it is messy, a stake to the heart will undo a vampire in a hurry.  And, quoting an old Mad magazine feature, it doesn’t have to be any particular kind of stake.  Either a t-bone or a New York strip will suffice.  But if you are squeamish, and blood bothers you, try festooning yourself with garlic, or keep a vial of Holy Water on your person.  Either will ward off a vampire.  Better still, have a Priest bless a fire hydrant, then attach a hose, and wait for an unsuspecting vampire to come wandering by.

Luckily for movie vampires, most people who wish to destroy them will dawdle the day away, and arrive at their lair usually with no more that ten minutes of daylight left in which to complete their task.  This evens things up considerably, and we can all  hold our breaths as we wait to see if the good guys will win out.  And they usually do.  Which makes for a more enjoyable time of it when we go out trick-or-treating, knowing that, at least, we needn’t worry about vampires or werewolves.  Poltergeists, however, are another story!